Let’s just get it out on the table. Sex after kids is a challenge! Gone are those long date nights, quiet mornings alone, hours of time connecting, laughing and flirting with your partner.
Now, by the time dinner, dishes, and bath and bedtime routines are over, chances are all you have energy for is a quick TV show and a cuddle before you hit the sack. Even with less time and energy, there are ways to bring back the intimacy into your marriage and keep the connection strong between you and your mate.
Alright dear Reader, please excuse any racy talk in this post, but it’s for your own good! Let’s talk about sex:
Bringing a spark back into your marriage is super important! It may take a little work and not be as natural as it once was, but it will only benefit your relationship, your health and even your children. Studies show that when a couple is connected, their children feel more emotionally secure. Even with all your parental duties, it’s important to find small ways to connect with your partner.
Sex isn’t the only way to connect, but it is a vital component in keeping that bond strong. I’ve often found that my husband and I can be at odds, not seeing eye to eye on anything…but after making love, well…’love’ seems to come back and carry through into the following days. I find men are more supportive and loving to their spouses when they are being intimate on a regular basis. And when we feel support and love from our husbands, we tend to be happier, more relaxed, and close to them in every way. Let’s face it ladies, men are pretty simple. They like to get close with their wives!
Now while they do have to accept that it’s going to be less frequent than before kids, we women can also find ways to meet them in the middle. For everyone’s benefit.
Well that depends on what age your children are. From birth to about 6 months old, you’re likely going to be healing and exhausted. Intimacy can take a different shape, it can just be cuddling, closeness and affection.
Communicate regularly with your partner about how you’re feeling so that they don’t feel rejected and understand it’s temporary while you heal. Don’t start up again until you feel like it won’t be painful, and include your partner in figuring out when that will be. Using a good lubricant can greatly help with getting things feeling…good again.
MAKE A DATE:
Once your children are a little older and you’re getting more sleep and feeling more relaxed (don’t wait too long though!), begin to schedule date nights. One on one time with your guy is key to bringing back that connection. If you don’t have a babysitter, ask a family member to babysit, or suggest babysitting trades with another family, so that each of you gets at least one date night per month. Aim for two good date nights a month.
Remember how much care and attention you took with yourself when you first started being intimate with your partner? Introduce a fraction of that back in and you will likely feel very sexy! Get waxed, shave, get a pedicure or just some nice moisturizer to make your skin feel soft. Buy sexy underwear and put on a little make-up, if that’s what makes you feel good.
A quick nap, hot bath, exercise or even a massage will help reduce your own stress levels, leaving you more likely to want sexual intimacy. Also, exercise, stretching and deep breathing help you drop out of your head – where we plan, schedule and worry all day – and back down into your body. It’s tough to feel aroused when you’re always in a ‘head’ place – even though parenting requires a lot of organization and planning! A conscious effort to get back in touch with your body will not only boost libido, but will drop stress and even improve your immune system.
GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS:
When you’re first getting back into an intimacy routine with your husband, it might feel a bit…well, routine. That’s ok! Let go of it having to be ‘mind blowing’ every time and just settle for mediocre sometimes. Seriously! Going through the motions will get you back into the habit, and you’ll be surprised with how quickly your body will catch up. The benefits will soon become an incentive and you two will find new ways of enjoying each other, even with less time and energy.
When we are communicating and treating each other with respect, we are more likely to be attracted to each other. Speak about other issues you have with your partner and encourage them to share with you ways that you can improve your relationship. Also, send sexy text messages, put a note in his briefcase, or offer to give him a little massage. You may find he starts to reciprocate and will be thrilled to get your undivided attention!
While they might not communicate it, a lot of men feel they have dropped greatly on their wives priority list once the cute little ones come along, so it doesn’t hurt to let them know you’re still crazy about them.
*If there are deeper issues in the relationship, then couples therapy can be very helpful at bringing a healthy, loving and supportive dynamic back.
A LITTLE HELP HERE
If you are magnesium deficient, you may be more stressed than usual, so get a good supplement. I like Natural Calm. L-Arginine is an amino acid that increases circulation so it can help you feel more aroused due to increased blood flow. Maca is a root that balances hormones and increases libido. Vitamin B will help your energy levels.
Get creative and have enjoy! I wish you good luck, and good nights.
In ‘Ask Sitara,’ Columnist Sitara Hewitt takes questions from our readers about wellness and ways to bring balance back to their lives naturally. You can also visit her blog LivingWellWithSitara for more tips. Follow Sitara on Twitter at: @SitaraHewitt
Note: Suggestions in these columns are merely from Sitara’s own personal experience and are not intended to treat, prevent or diagnose any disease. Check with your health care practitioner before starting any new health regimens.
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